 | Director: Uwe Boll Stars: Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso, Clint Howard, Ona Grauer |
Review:
Finally we come to this: the infamous Uwe Boll's House of the Dead. Aint that bad. It is so significant in the history of the zombie genre that it makes the new low that nobody had gone before, or even among movies in general. Definitely there maybe Z / zero-budget movies that were worse, but it may be the worst movie that travelled the distance over half of the earth to land on my videostore for my torment.
As other movies of Uwe Boll, House of the Dead is a movie adaptation of the videogame in the same name. I played the first House of the Dead at a very young age, probably 10 or 11, and I could remember nothing from the plot, just shot, shot and shot some more. So saying this movie has nothing to do with the game would be unfair. But indeed it is.
A group of young people wanted to get on an isolated island for a rave party, but they were late for the ship. They hired a captain to take them on the island by his boat. "Forget it. Do you know what the natives call the island? Isle de Morte! Whichs mean island of death in Spainish." The captained said to the kids. "And if this is some lame attempt to hit me up for more cash..." "It aint. There ain't enough cash in the world to make us go back there." The captain firmly replied. "$1000". "Ok." O wow. So it is a lame attempt to hit for more cash afterall.
So what do you know, there are zombies on the island and the kids try to survive. Havent we seen this somewhere before? Go to an island, where zombies are there. Hmm....Zombi 2? Yeah it would make more resemblance to Zombi 2 than to House of the Dead. It even have the zombie underwater fighting scenes just like in Zombi 2, but of course this is much lamer.
To tell how stupid the plot is, one needed to talk about the movie frame by frame, which I would not do that. I cant even analyse it under the framework of this review series since it is so stupid and inconsistent throughout the whole movie. So I may well talk about why this movie sucks so much.
1. Dumb characters. The movie always mention that one character "has a smile of Tom Cruise and the brain of Rainman." Firstly Rainman is austic but not stupid. Secondly that character is not much goodlooking. Thirdly he was not much dumber than any of the others. So at the end when he had his face ruined by zombie acidic saliva (o yeah), I feel nothing at all.
2. Stupid dialogue. The kids found an old house on the island, and one said "What is this....?" A house. You are too stupid to figure it is a house? When a pair travelling though the wood, one suddenly said "What is it!?" "I couldn't hear anything." "Me neither". Then what the fuck is what!? Such dialogue is throughout the whole movie.
3. The action music. Whenever there is a chase scene or action sequence, there is techno or rock music, which does not adds to the tension but plainly annoys me. I did not found it cool or anything, but a lyric from Eminem pops in mind "Who listens to techno? Now let's go."
4. Game footage for changing scenes. Do I even need to say why?
The scene I hate the most is the action sequence in front of the house the kids find, in which they fight off a bunch of incoming zombies. It does a 360 degree camera close-up on each and everyone of the character, which stretches the sequence so long and so boring. It makes me feel like the power rangers, but even power rangers are more fun.
House of the Dead is one of my most hated movie of all time, and I was not even a fan of the original game. Uwe Boll really knows how to make shitty movies, and have done a really good job by far. When does the hurting stops?
Finally we come to this: the infamous Uwe Boll's House of the Dead. Aint that bad. It is so significant in the history of the zombie genre that it makes the new low that nobody had gone before, or even among movies in general. Definitely there maybe Z / zero-budget movies that were worse, but it may be the worst movie that travelled the distance over half of the earth to land on my videostore for my torment.
As other movies of Uwe Boll, House of the Dead is a movie adaptation of the videogame in the same name. I played the first House of the Dead at a very young age, probably 10 or 11, and I could remember nothing from the plot, just shot, shot and shot some more. So saying this movie has nothing to do with the game would be unfair. But indeed it is.
 |
| Zombie bitch flying over for taking a single shot. O wow. |
A group of young people wanted to get on an isolated island for a rave party, but they were late for the ship. They hired a captain to take them on the island by his boat. "Forget it. Do you know what the natives call the island? Isle de Morte! Whichs mean island of death in Spainish." The captained said to the kids. "And if this is some lame attempt to hit me up for more cash..." "It aint. There ain't enough cash in the world to make us go back there." The captain firmly replied. "$1000". "Ok." O wow. So it is a lame attempt to hit for more cash afterall.
 |
| Zombie fighting Power rangers. |
So what do you know, there are zombies on the island and the kids try to survive. Havent we seen this somewhere before? Go to an island, where zombies are there. Hmm....Zombi 2? Yeah it would make more resemblance to Zombi 2 than to House of the Dead. It even have the zombie underwater fighting scenes just like in Zombi 2, but of course this is much lamer.
To tell how stupid the plot is, one needed to talk about the movie frame by frame, which I would not do that. I cant even analyse it under the framework of this review series since it is so stupid and inconsistent throughout the whole movie. So I may well talk about why this movie sucks so much.
1. Dumb characters. The movie always mention that one character "has a smile of Tom Cruise and the brain of Rainman." Firstly Rainman is austic but not stupid. Secondly that character is not much goodlooking. Thirdly he was not much dumber than any of the others. So at the end when he had his face ruined by zombie acidic saliva (o yeah), I feel nothing at all.
2. Stupid dialogue. The kids found an old house on the island, and one said "What is this....?" A house. You are too stupid to figure it is a house? When a pair travelling though the wood, one suddenly said "What is it!?" "I couldn't hear anything." "Me neither". Then what the fuck is what!? Such dialogue is throughout the whole movie.
 |
| "What is this...?" |
3. The action music. Whenever there is a chase scene or action sequence, there is techno or rock music, which does not adds to the tension but plainly annoys me. I did not found it cool or anything, but a lyric from Eminem pops in mind "Who listens to techno? Now let's go."
4. Game footage for changing scenes. Do I even need to say why?
The scene I hate the most is the action sequence in front of the house the kids find, in which they fight off a bunch of incoming zombies. It does a 360 degree camera close-up on each and everyone of the character, which stretches the sequence so long and so boring. It makes me feel like the power rangers, but even power rangers are more fun.
 |
| The camera spirls around her as she stands still. More like a catwalk show than a gunfight. |
House of the Dead is one of my most hated movie of all time, and I was not even a fan of the original game. Uwe Boll really knows how to make shitty movies, and have done a really good job by far. When does the hurting stops?
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